Losing my dad.

I haven't written on this blog in a while. My life has been crazy. I started a new job in September in London, moved to Hertfordshire and lived with my boyfriends parents and I bought a flat in London that I move in to this week. But most of all, I lost my dad. It was the worst experience of my life and it affects me every single day. I wanted to write this post because if anyone can relate to this or if it helps anyone in any way - my experience 8 months later - then that is great. I started to write this post when it was so raw so I will leave this in and end with how I am feeling now.

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The 16th of November 2016, the worst day of my life.

It is hard to write this post but I thought I'd write this as a sort of therapy and if it helps just one person going through the same thing, then that is wonderful.

I never thought this would happen to me, well not this young anyway. Losing a parent is something no one can truly understand until it happens to them. Not seeing the person you have grown up with since your very first day on this planet, is frustrating, confusing and upsetting. 

My situation was slightly different in the respect that my dad stopped living at home the day I came back from uni so I spent 3 months at home over Summer without seeing him everyday like I'd always known when at home. Then I moved to London and started a new job. We spoke on the phone around once a week and I planned to see him on the 27th December when I was to come home after christmas. Of course, this never happened. Not being able to say goodbye to someone is the worst...not knowing that the day I move down here was the last time I was going to see him. I'm just glad it was a pleasant goodbye before I left. 

I did however see him in hospital, before and on the day he passed away. I got to say goodbye then but he was not conscious so it wasn't a 2 way conversation. I'm unsure of the level of detail I should put on here but the thing that actually killed him was a hospital contracted infection. Now, this makes me angry. When he went in hospital, I was worried because I knew that there was a good chance that when someone goes in to the ICU (Intensive care unit), it is unlikely people make it out, particularly because of hospital infections. I don't even know how this can be allowed but anyway...

Being there when someone passes away is a traumatising thing, seeing their breath fight and their face go a sort of purple colour, knowing that they just took their last breath and there is definitely no way you will speak to them again in this life.... Argh I still can't get over that. 

If anyone else has been through something similar, please let me know. Knowing others that have lost their loved ones so young can really help. I have had a lot of support which has been great but truly, its hard to take when you know they still have their parents and can't actually comprehend how I feel.

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Now:

I have learnt to live again and no longer feel bad for laughing, joking and having fun. Working in the buzz of London has really helped me and meeting new people at work has really really helped me see the excitement in life. I always thought I would need counselling for this but now I am not so sure that I will need it. I think about my dad every day and wish with every breath that he could be here. I miss him so much. I am devastated he will not be here to see me grow up, see me succeed in my career, be at my wedding and be a grandparent if and when I have children.

But what it has taught me is that life is a gift and it is precious. We need to live life to the full and enjoy every second. Step out of your comfort zone, move to a new place and experience new things. Live, laugh, love and cherish those close to you.

Lots of love

Alice

xxx